My sons Art Work

Hello Everyone

Well I have been gone for a bit, but I'm back. Having  a real stressful couple of wks. I was laid off, and  haven't been able to find anything out here. I am starting to go a lil stir crazy here, trying to figure out what i'm going to do. I also have tried making money online with Google, but either I am an idiot or I'm not like those lucky people that make hundreds of dollars online!    Seems to me that for the last 25 years I have just about done anything and everything to provide for my family, and I did, but now I feel like I'm drowning with no life preserver in sight!  What to do when Life throws you curve balls, and you just keep missing!!  This wasn't suppose to happen, I really didn't want my kids to witness me fail, and to not be able to provide just the basics.  What kind of Mother lets that happen? I know I am doing everything I possibly can, but it feels like my best is not good enough.  Well enough of the pity party, if there is anyone out there in the blogging world that might be able to help me, with any jobs you may know of, or that can help me set up my blog to look decent, and who has had some success making money online I'd really appreciate it. I don't have much money to pay for your help, but whatever help anyone can throw my way would be Greatly Appreciated.  Thanks for reading, until next time. 

Hmmm...

Ok well I feel better, it's always when you think you are alone something is said, or you see something that just changes the way you feel, and its uplifting. When you get to a place where you start looking around and wonder how you got here, and how you managed to survive, well it can be quite scary. I have always done what I had to do to survive and to provide for my family, and I have no regrets about that, but when you think about 20yrs of your life that has passed you by while you were living life, not the way you expecting but just the way it was intented for you at the time. Then you reach an age when you have raised your kids, and your trying to figure out who you are, now that your not a fulltime mom. I remember years ago saying that, that would never be me, I would always do the things I wanted, and have a fullfilling life, and raise a family and be Happy. Ive done the latter, but the fullfilling part, not so fullfilling. Don't get me wrong I love that God blessed me with three wonderful talented kids, and was there with me while I raised them, because at 15 the odds were against me, but we did it. But now who am I?, what do I truly like to do, how do I get myself out there again, and start all over? Its scary, when you have been in long term relationships all your life, and suddenly you find you are alone, and the three people that have always been your security blanket are out living their life, its scary how do I start all over? That's been weighing heavy on my heart lately, so im trying to work through that. Bear with me.     But on a cheerful note, I went through all my Halloween decorations, cuz Fall is here my FAV season, and Halloween is right around the corner. This is my first Halloween in my house, so me and my son talked about opening the garage and making a haunted house. If anyone has any suggestions, or easy decorating ideas send em to me!!  But I did realize, all the decorations i had for my apt, is not enough to decorate my house, so YEAH i get to do some Halloween shopping.  Well everyone have a good night and until next time. 

Jeez im kinda lonely today

Well  trying to cope with the fact that me and MAC are no longer together is stilla little hard to comprehend. 10 1/2 yrs is along time, but was to long to wait for someone to grow up. He was always this person that I thought would always be there and I was wrong. It is crazy because when I think about I was married with kids from the time I was 15, and divorced by 24. I met MAC right after me and my husband split up, and for the next 10 yrs we played this game that i didn't quite master at first. I sit here with nothing that i can take from this, but the heartache, and the empty promises. But I still have  my faith, kids, and family,  Your gonna read the stuff that I go through as I go through it, because this is my outlet, so feel free to leave advice.  But for now im gonna go for a walk and reflect. TTYL  

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Sunday the day of Rest..

Well we take that literally in my house.  We usually just lounge around, and cook, and bake and just eat and watch movies. It's relaxing. But right now the excitment in my house is my son's lovelife, or so called. Ok first so you know me and my children have always been close. I know your thinking yeah right, but yes during those crazy teenage yrs, I had a struggle getting them to say what they felt, but they always did.  You have to remember I was a teen mom, and the lies we tell, and the collaberating we do with our friends to trick our parents into think we are doing something else, and all that comes with being a teenage, i did to a T. That never left me, so when they hit middle school my radar was on and it still is. Now I'm not gonna say they never pulled the wool over my eyes at first, but they always got BUSTED!! I remember over hearing my daughters friend tell her, "how does your mom know everything you do" I just laughed and kept that with me, because I will always find out, but they also always new I had their back no matter what. So my son got to grow up and see both sides, but he was a momma's boy, and I surely didn't want him growing up to be that way. But he got his heart broken by the first girl he loved and I saw first hand what he went through, and that was hard! I tried talking to him, but he didn't want to have any part of it, I knew I had to wait for him to come to me. And he did, he overcame it, but I saw him start to come out of his shell and just keep on going. He is 19 and a hell of an Artist, and he is just know started to get a lil serios with this girl. Now don't get me wrong she is a nice girl, but i had a guard up to, because i didn't want him to get hurt, but she was there for him, but he wasn't, he was with his friends. Now these are his buddies from middle school, that he graduated with and, went through alot with, but Dang he is with them everyday. Now I explained to him that woman don't like when your friends comes first, and you don't make time for them, but he didn't listen. So she just recent;y said that she was done with him, and now he as changed his tune. Now it just makes me laugh cause i saw that coming from the start, but I had to let him find out on his own, and he didn't like it. So now he has started making more time for her, and he got lucky that she still wanted to, but as I sit and watch my kids grow into young adults I sit an amazement. God blessed me with these 3 wonderful people and have trusted in me to do whats right for them, now that hasn't always been the case, but we are still here, alive and kicking.  Well be back shortly my cake is almost done!  Mmmm Cake

Here we go..

Well for me at the time after my kids dad cheated, and i was living at home, i just did what i had to do to survive, that's when I developed my survival skills, that I still carry with me, and that I see I have passed on to my oldest daughter. Now at this time i made a lot of mistakes, and it wasn't till recently that I realized how much my choices back then, still affect me, and my children today. But that's another time. So i started to hang out with the friends I still had, who were also having babies, and just going through the motions. I'm thankful to my family for sticking by me and my kids at the time, because it could have been a lot harder. But my kids were young, and didn't understand what was going on. SO moving forward, a year later i moved with my mom to the opposite side of town, and tried to start a new life. The one thing that I always felt uneasy about was having to be on public assistance, it was demeaning at times, but i had to do what I had to do. So as I'm living life and doing the daily grind, here comes this guy out of no where, starts a conversation with me, and from that day forward we were inseparable. He was 17, just like me, and he feel in love with my kids. When I look at that now, its weird to comprehend, because i look at my children and for the life of me I can't picture them with 2 kids right now. Oh No I had to shake my head right now, because that's hard to comprehend. LOL Anyway like I said he was the one. Now yes I had kids with another man, but he wanted to love me and be with me and my children and that's all I needed. Now he wasn't going in the right direction in life at the time, but when you fall in love you don't see that, you just want him. But he did what he had to, for being 17, to support and be there for us. In my mind he was my first in everything that happened for the next 9yrs of our lives. We lived with my mom for awhile, then for a few years lived in a few different apartments, and just lived, wasn't the best but it was ours and we were happy. So while we are living, my childrens father went to prison for 7yrs, my son was 1yr, my daughter was 2 1/2, and they had no clue, they had a dad who loved them, who helped them in everything they needed, was there for them and who wasn't gonna let them get hurt. But he couldn't protect them forever.